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Intimacy and Sex Over 50: Getting Your Confidence Back and Celebrating Your Body
Feeling sexy after 50 may seem like a struggle, but it shouldn’t be. Just because society obsesses over youth doesn’t mean women over 50 are any less attractive or desirable. Let’s explore the root causes of this mindset, examine the reality behind some common misconceptions, and see if we can find some solutions to overcoming these obstacles. By embracing our age and experiences, we can cultivate true confidence and ageless sexiness.
Why Do We as Women Feel Put Out to Pasture After the Age of 50?
In a world where youth is glorified and often equated with beauty, once we hit 50 we can begin to feel sidelined or ignored. This mindset can make it difficult to feel attractive, causing insecurities that can impact both our self-confidence and intimate relationships. It’s essential to recognize that youth doesn’t have a monopoly on beauty – as women over 50 we have a wealth of experience, wisdom, and uniqueness that can only be attained with time.
The Cultural Pressure of Youthful Beauty
Constant exposure to images of younger women in the media, paired with the multi-billion-dollar beauty and cosmetic surgery industries, creates an environment that pressures us to look and feel like our younger counterparts. This pressure often brings about a negative self-image and we begin to seek out age-defying serums and procedures in an attempt to meet these unrealistic standards. We have to remember that true beauty lies in embracing and celebrating our unique journey, not subscribing to the expectations of others.
Do Our Partners Really Want a Younger Woman, or Is That Just Our Own Hang-Up?
One common fear among women over 50 is the belief that their partners desire a younger woman. However, research reveals that age is not a major factor in men’s attraction to their partners. A study by AARP (that membership is good for more than just discounts) found that 75% of men aged 45-59 are attracted to women their own age and are still satisfied with their sex life. So, perhaps it’s time we stop worrying about our partners’ desires and start focusing on celebrating our relationships and mutual attraction.
So Where Does That Leave Us?
How about rather than feeling sidelined, maybe we should instead embrace our age and the life experiences that come with it. Let’s refuse to be dictated by societal norms, forge our own unique path, and allow for a world in which our confidence and intimacy flourish. Ultimately, this mindset will positively impact our intimate relationships and enable us to grow and thrive sexually.
How Can We Get Our Confidence Back, Lose the Inhibitions, and Celebrate Our Bodies?
As women over 50, we can reclaim confidence in our bodies and our sexuality by:
- Recognizing that beauty doesn’t have an expiration date
- Embracing age as an asset, not a liability
- Prioritizing our own self-care and self-love, regardless of our age
- Engaging in open conversations with partners about sexuality and aging
- Exploring new avenues for intimacy and pleasure
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do,” shares Brené Brown, acclaimed author and life coach.
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The Quest for Happiness: Unlocking True Joy Within
Let’s get real for a minute: we all want to be happy. It’s like this never-ending chase, right? We work our butts off, chase success, and buy all the fancy things, hoping that somehow it will make us feel content and joyful. But here’s the kicker: as we get older, we start realizing that happiness isn’t a one-size-fits-all kinda thing. It’s actually something that comes from within us, from our own values, passions, and relationships.
Take me, for example. I hit my fifties and finally decided to escape the corporate grind by starting my own business. I thought this would be my ticket to peace and happiness. But boy, was I wrong. Instead, I ended up recreating the same stressful environment at home. I had chosen a business based on what I thought would bring in quick cash, not what I truly cared about. I was stuck doing mind-numbing tasks and selling products that didn’t align with my values. It was soul-sucking.
That’s when I started reflecting on my life and what truly brought me joy. I always had a passion for creative outlets like writing, acting, and art. But I never thought of pursuing them seriously because I thought they were just hobbies. Well, it was time to change that. I immersed myself in the world of content creation, learned from those who were already doing what I admired, and started creating and sharing my own work. And you know what? It was freaking amazing. The feeling of accomplishment I got from doing what I loved was on a whole other level.
Now, I’m doing something I’m truly passionate about and making money from it. I feel incredibly lucky to have turned my love for creativity into a viable career.
The road to happiness isn’t a walk in the park, though. It takes some serious soul-searching, reflection, and trying new things. You gotta figure out what activities light you up, what values guide your life, and who supports and nourishes you. Then, push yourself out of your comfort zone and believe that you can actually make a living doing what you love.
Here’s the bottom line: happiness isn’t a destination; it’s a journey. And the first step on that journey is figuring out what truly brings you joy. It may take some deep thinking, some courage, and a willingness to explore new possibilities. But trust me, it’s worth it. Once you start living a life that aligns with your passions, you’ll see a whole new world of fulfillment and happiness open up before you. So why wait? Start your journey today and create a life that makes you truly happy.
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The Importance of Nurture in Your Relationships
As we age, our relationships become more and more important to us. We start to realize that life is short, and we want to make the most of the time we have with the people we love. But as we get older, it can be harder to maintain those relationships. People move away, work and family obligations take up more of our time, and sometimes, we just drift apart. That’s why it’s so important to take the time to nurture our relationships, especially as we get older. In this blog post, we’ll explore some of the benefits of nurturing our relationships and give you some tips on how to do it.
- Nurturing Relationships Improves Our Mental Health
One of the biggest benefits of nurturing our relationships is that it can improve our mental health. Studies have shown that people who have strong social connections are happier, healthier, and live longer than those who don’t. That’s because when we spend time with people we care about, we feel supported, loved, and valued. We need those positive feelings to help us cope with life’s challenges, especially as we get older.
- Nurturing Relationships Helps Us Stay Connected
Another benefit of nurturing our relationships is that it helps us stay connected to the people who matter most to us. As we age, it’s easy to lose touch with old friends and family members, especially if they live far away. But by making an effort to stay connected, we can maintain those relationships and keep them strong. Even simple things like sending an email or a text message can make a big difference in how connected we feel to the people we care about.
- Nurturing Relationships Helps Us Create New Connections
Nurturing our relationships doesn’t just mean maintaining the ones we already have. It also means creating new connections with people who share our interests and values. By joining clubs or organizations, taking classes, or volunteering, we can meet new people and build new relationships. This is especially important as we get older, when it can be harder to make new friends.
- Nurturing Relationships Improves Our Communication Skills
Nurturing our relationships requires good communication skills. We need to be able to express our thoughts and feelings clearly, listen actively, and resolve conflicts in a healthy way. By practicing these skills in our relationships, we can improve our communication skills in all areas of our lives. This can help us feel more confident, reduce stress, and improve our overall quality of life.
- Nurturing Relationships Helps Us Live a More Fulfilling Life
At the end of the day, nurturing our relationships is about living a more fulfilling life. When we have strong connections with the people we care about, we feel more satisfied, more connected, and more at peace. We know that we’re not alone in the world, and that there are people who love us and care about us. That knowledge can give us the courage and strength we need to face whatever challenges come our way.
Nurturing our relationships is one of the most important things we can do for our mental, emotional, and physical health. Whether it’s by maintaining old connections or creating new ones, the effort we put into our relationships is always worth it. So take the time to reach out to the people you care about, share your thoughts and feelings, and let them know how much you appreciate them. The benefits of nurturing your relationships will be with you for a lifetime.
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CREATING CONNECTION THROUGH AUTHENTICITY
So, I just read this awesome article about ditching our “perfect” masks and being real with our challenges and triumphs. It got me thinking, why not try it out? The more authentic we are in our relationships, whether personal or professional, the deeper those connections will be.
Now, let me tell you about my imperfect, true self. Brace yourself, because I have a tendency to laugh so hard that I pee my pants. Yep, I find everything hilarious. People say I should be in the audience of a stand-up comedy show, laughing my head off. I don’t discriminate – I laugh in good times and bad times. I’ve even burst into hysterics at weddings and funerals. Even in the most stressful situations, when everything has hit the fan, you’ll catch me chuckling at life’s absurdity. I believe the only thing we can control is our attitude, so why not find humor in the ups and downs? Life’s like a roller coaster – throw your hands in the air, cackle, and maybe even have a little accident.
Here’s a crazy fact: despite my terrible grades in high school, I got nominated for valedictorian. It’s a wild journey from being voted “most likely to be the first female president” and giving speeches in sixth grade to barely scraping by in high school. My academic performance took a nosedive after my dad’s suicide when I turned 14, and it took years to recover. But here’s the thing – I’m forever grateful to the teachers and mentors who saw potential in me, even when my grades were horrible. They continued to support, push, and recommend me for opportunities.
Let me take you back to my awkward kid days. At the ripe age of nine, I wrote a play called “The Silent Indian Girl.” Funny thing is, I’m not Native American and I’m definitely not silent (aside from when I’m asleep). As a child, I spent a lot of time hidden away in my room, reading, writing, and feeling incredibly self-conscious. You won’t find many pictures of me from those years – I was always doing something weird with my face to avoid being captured on film. If there were smartphones back then, every picture of me would’ve been deleted or discarded. That play was my way of expressing my feelings of being different, awkward, and unheard. To my surprise, my fourth-grade teacher read it and recommended that we stage it for the entire school. Not only did I direct it, but I also cast myself as the lead (so much for being silent). It was a moment of realization for me – writing and sharing our deepest fears and truths can be powerful, impactful, and bring us closer to others.
Okay, brace yourself for this one. I had to wear a back brace for scoliosis. It all started after I took a yoga class with my aunt and thought I broke my rib cage. Turns out it wasn’t broken, but I did have a severe case of scoliosis. The options were surgery or wearing a back brace for years to correct the curvature. I chose the brace, thinking I could take it off occasionally. Boy, was I wrong. The first time a boy asked me out to the movies, I excitedly ran down the stairs without the brace… and my mom promptly sent me back upstairs to put it on, tears and all. It led to some tough experiences, like being stood up for prom or dumped in a school trash can. But it also taught me empathy and gave me plenty of laughs during those crazy teenage years when I thought the world revolved around me. At the time, it was hard to appreciate, but now I’m thankful for how the brace shaped me as a person.
Now, here’s a not-so-secret secret about me – I worry way too much about how others perceive me. I absolutely admire people who embrace their quirks and don’t give a damn about what others think. I’m like a magnet to those funny, out-there individuals because deep down, I want to be like them. But I’m often too scared and critical of myself to fully join in the fun. If you’re the kind of person who dances like nobody’s watching, sings a little too loudly, tells outrageous jokes, and lives without fearing judgment, I want to hang out with you! I owe it to these fearless folks to let go of my perfectionist tendencies and embrace my true self, so I can truly appreciate their awesomeness.
So, there you have it. I’m imperfect, I laugh until I pee my pants, I struggled in school but still accomplished great things, I was an awkward kid, I wore a back brace, and I worry too much about what people think. But you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s all part of what makes me, well, me.
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10 Dating Red Flags You Should Never Ignore
Most singles understand the concept of Dating Red Flags and that when you see them in a possible partner you should run for the hills. That being said, far too many singles fail to either understand what red flags are important to never ignore or, make the choice to overlook them and continue onward like some bikini-clad sunbather walking into a blizzard. In my Conscious Dating Programs, I teach my clients about the importance of quickly identifying and reacting to the key dating red flags so you spend less time with Mr. Wrong and more time on your hunt for Mr. Right.
1. Lack of communication skills – The leading cause for divorce is not just infidelity, rather it stems from a lack of communication between partners. If you are dating someone and they are not able properly to convey their feelings or what they want from you or out of life, then you have a red flag of the highest order.
2. Actions don’t match words – It’s easy for someone to tell you they love you, but it’s much harder to show. Pay attention to the details of what the person across from you says and then match it against their actions. For example, if he says he plans to introduce you to someone special in his life or take you to that place you always wanted to go and never does, then clearly the actions don’t match the words.
3. Poor relationships with others – Good relationship skills are no exclusive to romantic relationships. Pay attention to how your potential partner treats his family, friends, even co-workers. If you see lots of volatility there, most likely you can expect the same for your relationship.
4. Financial instability – Here I am not talking about men who don’t have a lot of money, instead, I want you to look at things like how he spends and saves money. Before I got into a serious relationship with my husband I asked my husband to show me his credit score. That score and the way I saw him handle his money in life to make me feel comfortable moving on in the relationship.
5. Jealous or controlling behavior – So many of my clients come to me after ignoring this red flag. The reason is often that they confused their former partner’s jealousy and control with love and passion. Unfortunately, ignoring this red flag can be a gateway for you to end up in an abusive relationship.
6. Lack of accountability – When you are vulnerable in your life, you take accountability for your actions and you accept your flaws. For those who enter into a relationship with someone who lacks taking accountability, it can be a maddening trip down a one-way street where your partner feels they never do anything wrong and are hurting you is just the cost of doing business.
7. They don’t bring out the best in you – A relationship is not something you should be looking for, a “good” relationship is, however. Good relationships are ones where both you and your partner bring out the best in each other. If you are dating someone and you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, it’s time to ask why.
8. Your gut just tells you something is wrong – This is the most important red flag of them all. No matter what it is that you see
in someone that causes you to pause, definitely do not ignore it. Your gut is there for a reason, to protect you from getting hurt. So, by all means, listen to it when it speaks to you. Not only will it help you in your dating life, but it will also help you in life in general.
9. Lack of thoughtfulness – May studies have been done that indicate that when couples do at least one thoughtful thing for their partner in a day their relationship lasts longer. This can be anything from an unexpected text saying, “I am thinking of you” to taking you to a café just because you once mentioned always wanting to go. Thoughtfulness doesn’t need to be there at every turn, but when it’s never there you know what color the flag is.
10. Your Non-negotiables are not met – All of the 9 red flags above can be elements of your dating life that can be tested against your Non-negotiables. These are also known as deal-breakers and are a big part of my Conscious Dating Program. They are not superficial things like someone is too short or drives a crappy car, rather are key core values that you must have in a relationship or the relationship will fail every time. That’s right every time, they are just that powerful. To learn more about Non-negotiables and how to get yours go to www.amiethedatingcoach.com.
Amie Leadingham is a Master Certified Relationship Coach. Her relationship coaching and mentoring support have helped singles from around the world find their life partner. Her greatest accomplishments come from seeing her clients find lasting love, get married, and create their own family.
Her dedication and passion have led Amie to be named one of LA’s “Best Dating Coaches” by Dating Advice and named one of LA’s Most Inspiring Story from Voyage LA Magazine. Amie has been featured in a variety of media outlets including the CBS Network, Fox 5 News, People Entertainment Weekly Channel, HelloGiggles TV, Zoosk, Martha Stewart Weddings.
She is the author of “A Women’s Handbook to Online Dating.” Grab her free eBook, 5 Dating Traps Keeping You Single.
Main Website link: https://www.amiethedatingcoach.com/?wpam_id=3Free eBook Link: https://www.amiethedatingcoach.com/getlovenow?wpam_id=3
Helping you take charge of your love life!
Amie Leadingham
Master Certified Relationship Coach
Email: al@amiethedatingcoach.com
Website: www.amiethedatingcoach.com
“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” – George Addair
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Unmasking
Relationships should be built on authenticity, not artifice. This requires us to present our true selves and be open and vulnerable to criticism as well as recognize and accept others for who they are.
We all walk into situations looking to make a great first impression. I remember going into an interview with a law firm right out of college. At the time, I was still living on crackers and peanut butter, driving a beat-up Buick Skyhawk and my closet was sparse with the few clothes I owned from High School that still fit.
I needed this job and was excited about the interview but didn’t own a single suit. However, I managed to walk in looking like a million bucks, in an expensive suit and shoes I had borrowed from a friend’s mom and got the job. Then I showed up the first day of work in a worn, slightly to short skirt, blouse and beat up flats.
The HR Director that hired me was in shock. Here she thought she was getting a polished professional and instead a young woman with no money & not a single business appropriate outfit showed up. I was immediately called into her office and given a warning and told to come back the next day dressed as I had been for the interview. Rather than share with her my true situation I walked out ashamed and embarrassed.
Luckily, my friends mom took me shopping, showed me how to work one skirt, one pair of slacks, a business jacket and a couple of shirts into a weeks’ worth of different looks and loaned me the money to purchase everything so that I wouldn’t lose my job before I could even collect the first paycheck.
It’s common to pull out all the stops when we want to impress someone. There is nothing wrong with presenting our best selves. Just make sure it isn’t at the cost of creating an entirely untrue narrative about yourself that you can’t pull off.
A great example of creating a first impression narrative to impress and show others what we think they want to see… horribly backfiring.
Ever read online dating profiles? Here’s one (abbreviated) that roped me into a date:
Tall handsome Italian gentleman and professional chef.Great! Sign me up for THAT date.
Who showed up?
Angry midget, still married, no job, homeless couch surfer who when asked where he went to culinary school replied, ‘I didn’t but I cook for people sometimes.’
So, I didn’t have to dig very deep to realize that the online narrative this guy had built for himself was false because the dude that showed up was so clearly not the one, he portrayed himself to be in his profile.
But what about when the idealized version of someone is far better hidden and harder to identify? People craft sometimes craft completely plausible narratives to support their facade.
I’m a self-proclaimed OCD neat freak. No hiding it. My spice cabinet is organized alphabetically.
So when I was invited to dinner at the house of a man I had begun dating he ran home before I before I got there and loaded 15 giant garbage bags full of crap that was lying around his room and hid them in the garage. If his kitchen was a mess or the bathroom so dirty at times I would have to squat to pee and I questioned him on it, he would blame his roommates. It wasn’t until we moved in together that I clued into the fact that his roommates weren’t the only slobs living in that house.
I’m sure you can imagine how incompatible we were sharing a space. Had I ignored the signs along the way that clearly indicated he wasn’t being honest? Absolutely. Not only did I want him to be who he said he was but I think he wanted to be as well. And then once I had committed to living with him and the facade, he had created came crashing down, I still stuck around thinking that maybe I could change him. Let’s just say that didn’t work out so well for either of us.
Relationships should be built on authenticity, not artifice. This requires us to present our true selves and be open and vulnerable to criticism as well as recognize and accept others for who they are.
If you are comfortable in chaos and don’t prioritize a neat and tidy space then own that. There are plenty of people that also feel their time and energy are better spent on other things rather than cleaning. My now grown sons laugh and say my home to them feels like a museum and they have no intention of wasting time vacuuming their apartments, picking clothes up off the floor or dusting when there is so much fun to be had in the world. They call me a neat freak (which is true) and I shake my head in disbelief that they can relax in all that mess. That doesn’t make either of us wrong or weird, just different and we can each own our own natures and respect one another’s choices.
Creating a false narrative helps no one and generally backfires.
Looking back it would have probably been a good idea to let the HR Director at the law firm know, that as a recent graduate, I didn’t own much in the way of business professional dress and asked for some guidelines as to what would be okay to wear the first few weeks until I received my first paycheck and was able to go buy a few suits.
The homeless, out of work, still married, angry midget should have just owned up to who he really was. True, he probably wouldn’t have gotten many dates but his time would have been better spent changing his situation so that he could love and accept himself enough to be open, honest and upfront in his profile rather than bamboozling people into first dates that were sure to go nowhere.
The truth is that criticism is much easier to stomach when it relates to a construct, we can separate ourselves from vs. our true selves. No big deal if I skipped his profile because it wasn’t real anyway. But put the truth out there and no one bites…well that cuts deep because suddenly it feels like a real rejection of who you are.
Become aware of your own masks and walls that you bring to new relationships and learn to love yourself, own your truth, and present yourself in the most honest way possible. It makes for a much better outcome long term.
Remember that none of us is perfect nor should we try to be. Perfect is not relatable and unattainable. We all have flaws, insecurities, areas of ourselves we are working on, so own and be you!
Keep in mind that we all want to be loved and accepted and so often that leads us to present ourselves in a way that we think will please others. So, don’t accept things at face value. Dive deep, ask tough questions and be vulnerable yourself so that others can feel comfortable enough to share themselves fully as well.
Oh, and one more thing. Please don’t turn a blind eye to those glimpses of someone’s truth that may not match up to the idealized version of them you have blindly accepted or fashioned in your own mind. Know yourself. Share your truth and freely accept others as they are or move on because baby…. you are not going to change them.
#relationships #impressions #dating #growth #truth #narratives #vulnerability #criticism #ashamed
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Drunk Texting: A Tool for Deep and Meaningful Relationship Discussions
Ah, the power of the #drunktext. Are the questions, accusations, jokes that from our fingertips fly (post several cocktails) unleashed with the simple click of the send button, really our deepest, darkest, secret musings? Is it a sound off of the true feelings we are harboring deep down inside? Should they really be hoisted up like sails, filled with extraneous winds and sent to cut through the deepest waters driving our relation “ships” into the rocky shores? Are there real truths here to be examined and extracted of something meaningful and profound? Or are they just drunk jabbering that should be ignored and not splayed out the next day for level-headed consumption?
‘Why would you say this if you didn’t mean it? Is that really how you feel? It must be, or drunk or not, you would never have unleashed in such a way? What deeper meaning does this harbor?’
I don’t know. Remind me again? What the hell did I say?
1:30:59 A.M. Girl: “Mad tipsy. Miss you. Adore you. Wish you were here. Tell me that people can get married and stay mad passionate about each other…it is possible right?’
OOOOH, tread very carefully here boys.
Admission: #loadedquestion. I’m going to help you out with the answer to this one. It’s a resounding and simple ‘yes’. Discussion over. Girl smiles and rolls into bed reassured that she is dating a guy who believes in the power of love and possibility. It’s figurative. Directed at you but in a philosophical roundabout kind of way. Not asking for you to pronounce your inner feelings about our #newrelationship. Not a big ‘uh oh’ flag pronouncing major #insecurity that needs to be fixed. Just rehashing the nights highlight (a married man with three kids is trying to sleep with your single girlfriend) hoping that you will be the buoy that says all ships don’t have to go down that way and ’yes’ to the possibility of happy and forever after. Just be the guy that lends a girl a little faith when it’s wavering a bit at 1:30 in the morning on a Saturday night/Sunday morning.
Ah, we’re a tricky species aren’t we? All #complicated and #confusing. Who can blame you for getting it wrong?
2:11:28 A.M. Boy: Don’t know cause never been married. However, kind of hammered myself and on my way home. Miss U too. Ur sexy by the way
2:17:30 A.M. Girl: LOL. Making pizza. Gonna hurt tomorrow. BTW: don’t have to have been married to have an opinion about that. But I do think you may be a little jaded and on the ‘no’ team.
2:41:58 A.M Boy: What does that mean-no team? What r u doing?
2:44:50 A.M. Girl: Home getting ready for bed. I think you know what I mean.
2:46:34 A.M. Boy: I don’t know. What r u talking about hotie?
2:48:26 A.M. Girl: I sometimes get the impression you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Am I wrong?
2:49:03 A.M. Boy: Why are you accusing me of being jaded btw?
2:49:59 A.M. Girl: Long night of girl talk…Am I that far off base?
2:54:09 A.M. Boy: I’m not sure of all the code talk. Shoe to drop, my opinion on a married topic and I don’t have experience with that? What r u asking me?
2:57:43 A.M. Girl: Nothing. No worries. You don’t need to bust out your secret decoder ring. Have fun. See you when you get back!
2:57:45 A.M, Boy: Girl talk usually never leads to anything good. What did they convince u about me? Don’t be short with me please. What is it that I’m missing here? What did those girls put in ur head?
3:01:12 A.M. Girl: Nothing really. I’m not being short. Honest. Totally fine. Made pizza and hanging out on the couch watching TV. You?
3:04:33 A.M. Boy: In bed about to fall asleep. Glad ur ok. Hope u sleep well. Talk to u tomorrow. Kisses.
THE NEXT DAY –
2:38:49 P.M. Boy: How do u feel today young lady?
2:39:49 P.M. Girl: Ouch. Just ouch. Watching silly girl love movie and eating French toast at almost 3:00 in the afternoon! What are you up to? Big football day…
2:43:11 P.M. Boy: Sounds like u and ur girlfriends went kinda strong last nite. What were you girls talking about?
2:50:13 P.M. Girl: A guy we know who is married with three kids was texting Veronica trying to get her to sleep with him. It kind of put a damper on the night. Got us all talking about relationships and whether or not we thought it was even possible to be married with kids and maintain that initial passion that you have for someone in the beginning. The group was split, some said yes, some said no. It was interesting to hear why people fell one way or the other.
8:43:23 P.M. Boy: Ha! Makes more sense now. Where did the ‘jaded’ part fall into that? Also, what about me ‘waiting for the other shoe to fall?’ Still trying to understand what that means?
8:50:12 P.M. Girl: I guess I just sense you are a little cautious and maybe one foot in and one foot out at all times. Plus, from what you’ve mentioned about past relationships, you don’t strike me as being overly confident about the virility of relationships.
9:02:51 P.M. Boy: Now what have I done to give you the impression of #onefootin and #onefootout? Are u starting to get upset with things? Just seems like this came out of nowhere. I do have a less than positive sense of marriage at times.
9:05:38 P.M. Girl: Not upset at all. It’s just an observation. Honestly, not a big deal. Promise.
9:06:25 P.M. Boy: But how does that affect u and I at this point?
…I’m not really sure?
What I do know is that this little drunk text exchange nearly ended our #relationship. Because somehow the power of the drunken text really cut deep into some core truths that up until this point in our dating experience hadn’t been openly discussed.
Her truth: As a product of #divorce HER faith in the ability of two people to be in a relationship and maintain that #initialattraction, #passion, fun, and sustained #commitment is a bit battered. To top it off, it seems living in Los Angeles, only serves as a constant reminder of the fragility of relationships. This is the land of #sexy, #selfish and #single. The conservative ideal of the house with the #whitepicketfence, two kids and a dog is laughable. Why would anyone choose that when they can drink from the plastic surgeons fountain of youth, drive expensive cars, live in an apartment, sleep with a different person every Saturday night and keep life a simple chain of I’m important job titles, expensive gym memberships, fancy bars and Hollywood would be parties? Where did happily and for ever after go? How do you even begin to date? When does a relationship become #exclusive? What does that even mean? Just that I don’t have to worry about you giving me a venereal disease… or something more? How will you tell me when it isn’t ‘exclusive’ anymore… or will you?
His truth: Life is good. Life is simple. 34, single and #neverbeenmarried. Work, hit the gym, grab a beer with the guys and maintain you’re standing in the various sports pools. Then there are the girls. They all seem to want to infringe on your space. The minute you sleep with one of them they instantly want something from you. Your undivided attention, invitations to all of your social gatherings with friends, to #meetyourparents, #movein, #getmarried not to mention the dig into your pocket book. It’s like a whirlwind of space infringement until your left with nothing, but your right ass cheek hanging off the bed and the corner of one sheet barely covering your naked torso, as you shiver in the dark and wonder “what the hell happened to your life?” It doesn’t matter the girl. It’s just a matter of time. They are all blood sucking life destroyers. If only the #sex wasn’t so damn good.
Her Truth: A #romantic at heart I still believe that there is that one perfect person that we are meant to share our lives with. I don’t want to waste my time, my youth, my energies
and passions on someone who isn’t a believer in the idea of a love story. The unshakable belief in the existence of a person that holds the power to light your insides on fire, drives you to be your best, has the ability to make you laugh and ignites your desire to give more of yourself than you ever thought possible…your compliment, confidante and safe, soft place to fall. I want a friend, an equal and a partner to #sharemylife with. I don’t want to take over your life and I don’t want you to devour mine. What I do want to know is if I’m wasting my time? Is it you?
His Truth: Don’t ask me if you can get married and maintain the passion, tell me I’ve got ‘one foot in and one foot out’ or that I’m ’#jaded’ because I know what THAT’S code for…you want more. More of me. All of me. You are like every other woman that’s ever entered my life. You make the simple complicated. You take the fun out of everything. You are like a cancer that I now see I must eradicate before it becomes malignant, takes permanent root, and kills me.
What lies underneath the late night drunken text is the push and pull of male/female #courtship. Better not to read to much into these weighted words else he may jump ship early or she may just run the boat dead into the rocks rather than sail into the abyss with no direction of where things are headed.
Do yourselves a favor and put the phone away! It’s of particular importance to avoid deep and meaningful relationship discussions when the tequila is flowing and your personal editor is sloshed and passed out.
LADIES: Relax and try to enjoy a peaceful sail minus the GPS and map.
GENTLEMEN: Remember it’s a boat…feel free to jump off for a swim every once in a while. As long as the ship is anchored you won’t get lost at sea.
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If He’s 5’ 7” I’m 7’!
Ah, the world of online dating… it’s such a brilliant concept. I mean, the idea of being able to sit in front of a computer, in the comfort of your home, late at night in p.j.’s, hair in curlers, green skin-perfecting goop covering your face and a giant bag of Oreo’s at your disposal shopping for a man…why not?
Ah, the world of online dating… it’s such a brilliant concept. I mean, the idea of being able to sit in front of a computer, in the comfort of your home, late at night in p.j.’s, hair in curlers, green skin-perfecting goop covering your face and a giant bag of Oreo’s at your disposal shopping for a man…why not?
What woman doesn’t like to shop? The only thing better than online shopping might be the ability to line guys up on QVC and make them prance around shirtless while Joan Collins stands there pitching you on their various attributes in cute little flirty clips like, “I’m just thrilled to be able to put such a fabulous collection within easy reach of women who know exactly how important wearing the right man can be in creating an aura of elegance.”
Herein lies the problem though with the online dating theory…People are allowed to write their own profiles. They act as their own pitchmen, marketing department and in-house photoshop experts. It’s a real dilemma, isn’t it? I mean none of us is perfect, yet we are suddenly thrust into the position of posting our best photo and creating a written sales pitch…for ourselves. A frightening concept!
Seriously? Have you ever seen an honest ad campaign or commercial? Those cheeseburgers, unwrapped, NEVER look as good as they do on T.V. or in the magazine. Neither do any of the goofballs that show up for that first date. Take the worst picture of the bunch and subtract a minimum of thirty percent. The guy who “works out” three times a week spends most of his time glued to a video game screen, “adventurous” is code for “I expect sex on the first date” and 5′ 7″ means they are really a midget with a heart.
“Buy ME! Buy ME!”
Leave it to photoshop and some savvy marketing skills and you can make yourself look like the “catch of the week.” The only problem is that at the end of the day, the guy or gal shopping for you is going to meet you in person, and you don’t get to bring your 1970’s Farrah Fawcett-like photo and advertising team along for the ride.
Hello Mr. 5′ 7″!
I’m a petite gal. Most of my girlfriends are as well, but still, all insist that they won’t date a guy under 6 foot. I find this scenario vastly unfair. I mean, shouldn’t we leave the tall guys to the tall girls? We all had that tall girlfriend in school that was awkward and miserable, wearing flats and developing a hump on her back from always walking hunched over. I believe in “equal opportunity height dating”. I’m giving the short guys on-line a shot. What the hell. As long as I can still wear my favorite three-inch heels and not feel like Godzilla next to you – I’m game!
However, a midget is out of the question. So you can imagine my surprise when a recent Match.com date showed up, and I had to bend down to give him a hug. As soon as he sat down at the table the height discrepancy became even more apparent…he was too little for the table and chair. He needed a booster, and seeing as how THAT was out of the question, we had to ask the server to move us to a couch across the room where they had a low, coffee table height, eating area.
Now I know how Nicole Kidman felt walking around with Tom Cruise only we were a FAR less attractive couple. I suddenly felt like the Jolly Green Giant. Incredibly unfeminine and uncomfortable, not to mention a little pissed off at having been duped by this guy.
What was worse was that he chose to wear really inappropriate pants. The last thing you want to turn and see, when you sit down next to your midget date, is his little sausage package sucked into too tight of jeans. All I could think of was, ‘one glass of wine and I’m outta here!’
But, as much as I wanted to run from the room, I sat through two hours of conversation over that one glass of wine. My girlfriends would say I’m far too nice. I get stuck spending entire evenings with the most ridiculous people just because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I’m a slow learner.
To make matters worse this man didn’t just lie about his height. His entire Match.com profile was a sham! He wasn’t a “celebrity chef”. The guy liked to cook…sometimes. Not only did he not work in the restaurant business but he didn’t even have a job…or a home for that matter. Turns out he just moved to Los Angeles the week prior and was squatting at a friends pad until he could find work and a place of his own. Just my luck, not only was I out on a date with a seriously vertically challenged individual, but he was a total tool on top of it! This was no Cyrano de Bergerac who, while maybe not the picturesque ideal of handsomeness, possessed the powers of inventive wordplay, waxing philosophical and impressing a lady with his genius. The guy was an idiot, a bore, and quite frankly a little mean. I thought all midgets were cute and happy like the one on the Lucky Charms box. Boy was I wrong.
When “midget man” tried to reach over, and hold my hand with his little tiny baby fingers, I finally decided I had had enough. Turns out he was still married and had anger control issues to boot, so other than yet another funny story to tell my girlfriends over cocktails, the night was a total loss.
I’ve canceled my Match.com account. To hell with on-line man shopping. I’m now only accepting in-person pitches. Unless of course Joan Collins and QVC can come to some sort of contract negotiations agreement and get “Man of the Hour” up on the network. Until then…those from online dating sites are not to be trusted.
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Questions That Need Answers
Why did I run 385 miles away? You’d think after a year, I’d have a solid, rehearsed answer for that infamous first date question. But truth be told, it’s the one thing that tarnishes my otherwise near-perfect record. Picture this: here I am, a beautiful, witty, vivacious woman standing before you, only to reveal that I’m divorced with three kids, and guess what? My ex-husband has primary custody, and they live on the other side of the state. Uh huh, I know, it sounds all sorts of messed up, doesn’t it? There’s definitely more to this story that’s not immediately apparent. Life’s complicated like that.
So, how did I end up here? It’s a question that’s bound to come up, and sure enough, two weeks into dating this incredible guy, he wants answers. After a failed attempt at explaining myself, it hit me—I needed to sit down and really figure it out…for myself!
I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? I had left what seemed like the perfect marriage. Who knew that, later on when the dust settled and the divorce drama died down, people would come out of nowhere saying things like, “I always thought you guys would split up sooner!” But at the time, I thought we had presented what appeared to be a marriage was straight out of a fairytale. We had a successful business together, hardly ever fought, three beautiful and well-behaved boys, a huge house, fancy cars—you name it. I gave all appearances of living the “happily ever after” dream. And here I was, single-handedly blowing it all up in one shot. I wanted to disappear into thin air and never be seen again. I felt like the biggest failure on the planet. Here I had everything, and yet I wasn’t happy?
But you know what else? I was completely terrified that I wouldn’t stick to my decision. See, my marriage was…comfortable. And man, let me tell you, feeling comfortable is like the most tempting thing ever. It’s safe, you know? A part of me was so damn scared that if I ‘d crumble and go crawling back with my tail between my legs, begging for forgiveness and asking him to take me back. But deep down inside, I knew that stepping out on my own was what I needed no matter how tough or downright scary. It was like facing one of my biggest fears—being alone.
So, what got me to this point? Well, let me give you a little sneak peek into my life. I held on tight to the security of that relationship when I was just twenty years old, for a lot of reasons. One of them was the fact that, if I’m being honest, I had some issues. You know, when the curtain of perfection comes crashing down, there I was—a flawed, breathing, and vulnerable young woman. We all have our weaknesses, insecurities, and those hidden dark corners inside us. For me, it was the suicide of my father when I was just fourteen and a mother with bipolar disorder who was not present in my life. Those things left me feeling incredibly fragile and needy. I was desperate for something stable in my life, you know? I wanted a solid ground to stand on, something that wouldn’t crumble beneath me, something to build my sense of self on. And deep down, what I really wanted was a family of my own—my own little haven filled with love and warmth.
But here’s the hard truth: no one person can rebuild that broken foundation for you. Trust me, I’ve learned it the hard way. Looking to someone else to fix all your shattered pieces and make your world whole—it’s a recipe for relationship disaster. Because when it all boils down, no single person can fill those empty spaces inside you. And when you try to put that burden on them, it puts so much strain on the support system that relationships are built upon. You must find that inner strength within yourself.
You know, finding your own voice and courageously walking your unique path in life is the key to truly experiencing character and inner peace. No one can gift you that; it’s something you earn through hard work and resilience.
I still remember that moment when I walked down the aisle, pledging to spend my life with that young man. Deep down, something felt off. It was like I was stealing something from him, something that I lacked in my own life. I wasn’t entering the marriage as a confident and complete person, ready to journey through life hand in hand with an equal partner. Instead, I was lost and stumbling into it blindly, clinging to him desperately, like a drowning girl grasping onto a buoy. It was incredibly unfair, and we were bound for disaster right from the start.
You know, one of my biggest weaknesses is my lack of fight. I knew that divorce meant putting on the gloves and facing the battle of “who gets what.” I’m a people pleaser to a fault, and I’m not saying that to sound self-righteous. It’s something I truly dislike about myself at times. I would do anything to maintain peace and ensure that people like me. It’s tough to confront the uncomfortable truths about ourselves. Even as I broke the heart of the man I had been married to for seventeen years, I desperately didn’t want him to hate me. Guilt, self-loathing, and self-punishment pushed me forward, saying, “Keep the money, keep the business, I won’t fight over the kids”… just please don’t hate me.
For fourteen long years, I wasted my life working as a CFO for a business I had absolutely no passion for. Most of the time, I stood in the shadows as the “woman behind the man.” When I made the decision to leave my marriage, I found myself in a vulnerable position – no job, no money of my own, no college degree, and no clear plan for the future. One thing was certain: the thought of repeating the cycle of dissatisfaction in my career felt like complete self-destruction. I needed to take charge and make a change in the level of satisfaction I derived from my work. Suddenly, I had the chance to shape my career destiny. Why shouldn’t I pursue my lifelong dream of writing and working in the arts? This was an opportunity to step into the unknown, to test my skills and resilience, and see if I could stand on my own feet and make a living as an artist and storyteller.
Honestly, there isn’t much to be proud of in this entire journey. But you know what? It’s about embracing the challenges, learning from our mistakes, and finding the strength to create a life that truly fulfills us.
But here’s the catch: I prioritized my boys’ well-being over my own desperate longing to keep them by my side. See, I couldn’t stick around in Sacramento. No family to lean on, no job, no cash. It would’ve been chaos for them. So, after much soul-searching, I made the tough call. Underneath my doubts and insecurities, I convinced myself that they’d be better off in the comfort of their father’s house, guarded by his family fortune. With grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends to nurture them and a lifestyle I couldn’t offer on my own.
What led me to this decision? Well, it was a mash-up of embarrassment, the fear of standing on my own, the irresistible urge to carve my own path, and my profound love for the ocean. All these factors pulled me 385 miles away from everyone I knew, landing me in a bustling city where I was a complete stranger. No safety nets to catch my fall, standing tall on wobbly legs, ready to conquer the latter half of my life. Crazy, selfish, maybe even ridiculously foolish. But you know what? For the very first time, I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. This was my chance to truly find myself, grow emotionally, and become the reliable and mature parent my kids deserved.
I’m working everyday to heal myself, forgive myself, and love my three beautiful sons with all my heart so they can heal as well.
Well, there you have it. All my vulnerabilities, frailties, and personal desires laid out in front of you. It’s quite the dating profile, huh?
