If He’s 5’ 7” I’m 7’!
Ah, the world of online dating… it’s such a brilliant concept. I mean, the idea of being able to sit in front of a computer, in the comfort of your home, late at night in p.j.’s, hair in curlers, green skin-perfecting goop covering your face and a giant bag of Oreo’s at your disposal shopping for a man…why not?
Ah, the world of online dating… it’s such a brilliant concept. I mean, the idea of being able to sit in front of a computer, in the comfort of your home, late at night in p.j.’s, hair in curlers, green skin-perfecting goop covering your face and a giant bag of Oreo’s at your disposal shopping for a man…why not?
What woman doesn’t like to shop? The only thing better than online shopping might be the ability to line guys up on QVC and make them prance around shirtless while Joan Collins stands there pitching you on their various attributes in cute little flirty clips like, “I’m just thrilled to be able to put such a fabulous collection within easy reach of women who know exactly how important wearing the right man can be in creating an aura of elegance.”
Herein lies the problem though with the online dating theory…People are allowed to write their own profiles. They act as their own pitchmen, marketing department and in-house photoshop experts. It’s a real dilemma, isn’t it? I mean none of us is perfect, yet we are suddenly thrust into the position of posting our best photo and creating a written sales pitch…for ourselves. A frightening concept!
Seriously? Have you ever seen an honest ad campaign or commercial? Those cheeseburgers, unwrapped, NEVER look as good as they do on T.V. or in the magazine. Neither do any of the goofballs that show up for that first date. Take the worst picture of the bunch and subtract a minimum of thirty percent. The guy who “works out” three times a week spends most of his time glued to a video game screen, “adventurous” is code for “I expect sex on the first date” and 5′ 7″ means they are really a midget with a heart.
“Buy ME! Buy ME!”
Leave it to photoshop and some savvy marketing skills and you can make yourself look like the “catch of the week.” The only problem is that at the end of the day, the guy or gal shopping for you is going to meet you in person, and you don’t get to bring your 1970’s Farrah Fawcett-like photo and advertising team along for the ride.
Hello Mr. 5′ 7″!
I’m a petite gal. Most of my girlfriends are as well, but still, all insist that they won’t date a guy under 6 foot. I find this scenario vastly unfair. I mean, shouldn’t we leave the tall guys to the tall girls? We all had that tall girlfriend in school that was awkward and miserable, wearing flats and developing a hump on her back from always walking hunched over. I believe in “equal opportunity height dating”. I’m giving the short guys on-line a shot. What the hell. As long as I can still wear my favorite three-inch heels and not feel like Godzilla next to you – I’m game!
However, a midget is out of the question. So you can imagine my surprise when a recent Match.com date showed up, and I had to bend down to give him a hug. As soon as he sat down at the table the height discrepancy became even more apparent…he was too little for the table and chair. He needed a booster, and seeing as how THAT was out of the question, we had to ask the server to move us to a couch across the room where they had a low, coffee table height, eating area.
Now I know how Nicole Kidman felt walking around with Tom Cruise only we were a FAR less attractive couple. I suddenly felt like the Jolly Green Giant. Incredibly unfeminine and uncomfortable, not to mention a little pissed off at having been duped by this guy.
What was worse was that he chose to wear really inappropriate pants. The last thing you want to turn and see, when you sit down next to your midget date, is his little sausage package sucked into too tight of jeans. All I could think of was, ‘one glass of wine and I’m outta here!’
But, as much as I wanted to run from the room, I sat through two hours of conversation over that one glass of wine. My girlfriends would say I’m far too nice. I get stuck spending entire evenings with the most ridiculous people just because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I’m a slow learner.
To make matters worse this man didn’t just lie about his height. His entire Match.com profile was a sham! He wasn’t a “celebrity chef”. The guy liked to cook…sometimes. Not only did he not work in the restaurant business but he didn’t even have a job…or a home for that matter. Turns out he just moved to Los Angeles the week prior and was squatting at a friends pad until he could find work and a place of his own. Just my luck, not only was I out on a date with a seriously vertically challenged individual, but he was a total tool on top of it! This was no Cyrano de Bergerac who, while maybe not the picturesque ideal of handsomeness, possessed the powers of inventive wordplay, waxing philosophical and impressing a lady with his genius. The guy was an idiot, a bore, and quite frankly a little mean. I thought all midgets were cute and happy like the one on the Lucky Charms box. Boy was I wrong.
When “midget man” tried to reach over, and hold my hand with his little tiny baby fingers, I finally decided I had had enough. Turns out he was still married and had anger control issues to boot, so other than yet another funny story to tell my girlfriends over cocktails, the night was a total loss.
I’ve canceled my Match.com account. To hell with on-line man shopping. I’m now only accepting in-person pitches. Unless of course Joan Collins and QVC can come to some sort of contract negotiations agreement and get “Man of the Hour” up on the network. Until then…those from online dating sites are not to be trusted.
