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I’m fine. Things are fine. That’s fine.
“I’m fine. Things are fine. That’s fine.”
Sound familiar?
That is the answer of someone that has at the very least phoned it in and reached the point of utter complacency or at its very worst someone who is the farthest thing from fine and inside is seething in a pool of anger and frustration.
And I catch myself saying it all the time. But what I’m really saying is “I’m fine like the glass octopus hiding in the mid water zone.”
I’ve succeeded in becoming almost invisible. I’m nearly see through, I work hard to make it appear as though I’m not even here, I let life travel through me, past me, unimpeded so that nothing reflects back.
Tricky, huh? Being transparent is like the ultimate hiding technique, except for one tiny detail – every experience it’s had weighs heavy in its gut and casts a mile-long shadow.
I have these crazy dreams though.
Alright, check this out – every time I wake up, I have three images etched in my mind. First, it’s the Wizard of Oz. Then, you got plankton. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder, there’s a mental picture of me holding my ear that I seemingly sawed off using dental floss. Yeah, I probably should skip “go,” forget about collecting $200, and seriously consider checking myself in at some point. But maybe, just maybe, there’s a complete nutjob of a meaning hidden in there somewhere.
So, here’s my interpretation of the deal with old Oz and give an honest assessment of how I’m REALLY doing, okay? I’m “fine” as I’ve been diving into all these books lately that talk about how we’re the architects of our own lives. And you know what? I too have built a dreamy vision board with positive affirmations plastered all across the top and pictures of wonder woman, dreamy travel destinations, a slim yogi bending in impossible ways, and even a fat stack of cash hanging right above my bathroom sink. The funny thing is, I can barely read those affirmations without my glasses – and let’s be real, I barely wear ’em. So, most mornings, I just squint at that board and think, “You know what? Screw it.” And then, well, let’s just say I take care of the real business of life because hey man, ‘I’m totally unequivocally, fine!”
As I pen down these words, it hits me – that little dude behind the green curtain? That’s me, trying to be the master of my own universe. And if I’m being honest, I’m doing a pretty lousy job “making things fine.” But hey, it’s not all gloom and doom. Like our glass octopus friend, I’m floating somewhere in the middle. Haven’t sunk to the bottom of the ocean yet, but I’m no fancy diamond-clad bikini babe leisurely swimming off the shores of the Galapagos Islands either.
If dreams have real meaning, and for arguments sake we should be writing them down, interpreting them, and utilizing what we’ve learned to make changes in our lives let’s look at how old Ozzy is doing so far.
Here’s a breakdown of my life aspects on a scale of 1-10. Picture it like this: one is an absolute disaster and ten is smooth sailing into the sunset, with a unicorn under my command.
Family: I give myself a 3
The family story is a long and winding one. Let’s just say there’s room for improvement, but I’ll spill the details down the road.
Love: 7
I’m docking three points for a past divorce, but I’ve been blessed with an amazing partner for the past nine years. Things are pretty darn great, but we could work on communication and my occasional moments of selfishness.
Sex: 7
We both value a healthy and adventurous sex life. Still, there’s always room for some added excitement!
Spirituality: 3
I’m not a church-goer and have some reservations about organized religion. However, I firmly believe in a higher power and treating others with kindness. I do make time for guided meditation each morning, though!
Career/Purpose: 2
Recently quit my job and am currently soul-searching for the next move. It’s not a rock-bottom situation because I’ve always worked hard, even in jobs I despised, and achieved some success. A little credit is due!
Friends: 3
I’ll give myself a generous rating in this department, even though I know I’m not the best friend. I struggle with small talk, forget to send thank you cards, return phone calls and can be a bit relationship lazy.
Body/Health: 5
I hit the gym hard five days a week, earning myself some brownie points. Unfortunately, my weakness for pasta and bourbon works against me. I might have to embrace some cellulite if I don’t change my eating habits.
Money: 1
If I keep handling my finances the way I do, I’ll be in the workforce until my last breath.
But hey, ‘that’s fine,’ right?
And in some ways, it is. It’s honest. So, while the list doesn’t have any unicorns flying through rainbows, and I’ve clearly got some serious work to do in each of these areas to get my scores up we’ll keep the vision board and pass on firing Oz just yet.
Speaking of strange creatures, have I been watching too much Animal Planet? It’s funny how a barely visible organism like Plankton (you almost thought I forgot didn’t you?) can drift aimlessly in a vast universe yet play a crucial role in life itself. Looking at my scorecard above, I wonder if Plankton is the symbol my mind holds onto to convince myself that even though my life may not seem like much, I’m still making a meaningful contribution to the universe. Ahhh…isn’t symbolism grand?
And what’s the deal with flossing my ear off? Watch the master of spin turn this into a positive message: Maybe I should ignore that persistent negative inner voice that starts jabbering first thing in the morning and doesn’t stop until I hit the pillow at night. It’s draining to listen to and hard to control.
Perhaps I should also keep some reading glasses in the bathroom, so I can read those affirmations every morning and shut down that little negative nelly.
Here’s the thing – I’m not okay with just being “fine.” I want to be more than that. In a nutshell I interpret this recurring dream as being about breaking out of the middle, embracing vulnerability, and swimming towards the top to improve my scores in all aspects of life. I’m determined to stop being my own harshest critic, accepting my past failures, and forging a brighter, more luminous future. I’ll share my journey here, and if I come across any helpful tips, tricks, or tools along the way, they’ll be here for anyone who wants to give them a try.
Let’s level up together, keep dreaming big, and leave ‘fine’ in the dust!
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Questions That Need Answers
Why did I run 385 miles away? You’d think after a year, I’d have a solid, rehearsed answer for that infamous first date question. But truth be told, it’s the one thing that tarnishes my otherwise near-perfect record. Picture this: here I am, a beautiful, witty, vivacious woman standing before you, only to reveal that I’m divorced with three kids, and guess what? My ex-husband has primary custody, and they live on the other side of the state. Uh huh, I know, it sounds all sorts of messed up, doesn’t it? There’s definitely more to this story that’s not immediately apparent. Life’s complicated like that.
So, how did I end up here? It’s a question that’s bound to come up, and sure enough, two weeks into dating this incredible guy, he wants answers. After a failed attempt at explaining myself, it hit me—I needed to sit down and really figure it out…for myself!
I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? I had left what seemed like the perfect marriage. Who knew that, later on when the dust settled and the divorce drama died down, people would come out of nowhere saying things like, “I always thought you guys would split up sooner!” But at the time, I thought we had presented what appeared to be a marriage was straight out of a fairytale. We had a successful business together, hardly ever fought, three beautiful and well-behaved boys, a huge house, fancy cars—you name it. I gave all appearances of living the “happily ever after” dream. And here I was, single-handedly blowing it all up in one shot. I wanted to disappear into thin air and never be seen again. I felt like the biggest failure on the planet. Here I had everything, and yet I wasn’t happy?
But you know what else? I was completely terrified that I wouldn’t stick to my decision. See, my marriage was…comfortable. And man, let me tell you, feeling comfortable is like the most tempting thing ever. It’s safe, you know? A part of me was so damn scared that if I ‘d crumble and go crawling back with my tail between my legs, begging for forgiveness and asking him to take me back. But deep down inside, I knew that stepping out on my own was what I needed no matter how tough or downright scary. It was like facing one of my biggest fears—being alone.
So, what got me to this point? Well, let me give you a little sneak peek into my life. I held on tight to the security of that relationship when I was just twenty years old, for a lot of reasons. One of them was the fact that, if I’m being honest, I had some issues. You know, when the curtain of perfection comes crashing down, there I was—a flawed, breathing, and vulnerable young woman. We all have our weaknesses, insecurities, and those hidden dark corners inside us. For me, it was the suicide of my father when I was just fourteen and a mother with bipolar disorder who was not present in my life. Those things left me feeling incredibly fragile and needy. I was desperate for something stable in my life, you know? I wanted a solid ground to stand on, something that wouldn’t crumble beneath me, something to build my sense of self on. And deep down, what I really wanted was a family of my own—my own little haven filled with love and warmth.
But here’s the hard truth: no one person can rebuild that broken foundation for you. Trust me, I’ve learned it the hard way. Looking to someone else to fix all your shattered pieces and make your world whole—it’s a recipe for relationship disaster. Because when it all boils down, no single person can fill those empty spaces inside you. And when you try to put that burden on them, it puts so much strain on the support system that relationships are built upon. You must find that inner strength within yourself.
You know, finding your own voice and courageously walking your unique path in life is the key to truly experiencing character and inner peace. No one can gift you that; it’s something you earn through hard work and resilience.
I still remember that moment when I walked down the aisle, pledging to spend my life with that young man. Deep down, something felt off. It was like I was stealing something from him, something that I lacked in my own life. I wasn’t entering the marriage as a confident and complete person, ready to journey through life hand in hand with an equal partner. Instead, I was lost and stumbling into it blindly, clinging to him desperately, like a drowning girl grasping onto a buoy. It was incredibly unfair, and we were bound for disaster right from the start.
You know, one of my biggest weaknesses is my lack of fight. I knew that divorce meant putting on the gloves and facing the battle of “who gets what.” I’m a people pleaser to a fault, and I’m not saying that to sound self-righteous. It’s something I truly dislike about myself at times. I would do anything to maintain peace and ensure that people like me. It’s tough to confront the uncomfortable truths about ourselves. Even as I broke the heart of the man I had been married to for seventeen years, I desperately didn’t want him to hate me. Guilt, self-loathing, and self-punishment pushed me forward, saying, “Keep the money, keep the business, I won’t fight over the kids”… just please don’t hate me.
For fourteen long years, I wasted my life working as a CFO for a business I had absolutely no passion for. Most of the time, I stood in the shadows as the “woman behind the man.” When I made the decision to leave my marriage, I found myself in a vulnerable position – no job, no money of my own, no college degree, and no clear plan for the future. One thing was certain: the thought of repeating the cycle of dissatisfaction in my career felt like complete self-destruction. I needed to take charge and make a change in the level of satisfaction I derived from my work. Suddenly, I had the chance to shape my career destiny. Why shouldn’t I pursue my lifelong dream of writing and working in the arts? This was an opportunity to step into the unknown, to test my skills and resilience, and see if I could stand on my own feet and make a living as an artist and storyteller.
Honestly, there isn’t much to be proud of in this entire journey. But you know what? It’s about embracing the challenges, learning from our mistakes, and finding the strength to create a life that truly fulfills us.
But here’s the catch: I prioritized my boys’ well-being over my own desperate longing to keep them by my side. See, I couldn’t stick around in Sacramento. No family to lean on, no job, no cash. It would’ve been chaos for them. So, after much soul-searching, I made the tough call. Underneath my doubts and insecurities, I convinced myself that they’d be better off in the comfort of their father’s house, guarded by his family fortune. With grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends to nurture them and a lifestyle I couldn’t offer on my own.
What led me to this decision? Well, it was a mash-up of embarrassment, the fear of standing on my own, the irresistible urge to carve my own path, and my profound love for the ocean. All these factors pulled me 385 miles away from everyone I knew, landing me in a bustling city where I was a complete stranger. No safety nets to catch my fall, standing tall on wobbly legs, ready to conquer the latter half of my life. Crazy, selfish, maybe even ridiculously foolish. But you know what? For the very first time, I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. This was my chance to truly find myself, grow emotionally, and become the reliable and mature parent my kids deserved.
I’m working everyday to heal myself, forgive myself, and love my three beautiful sons with all my heart so they can heal as well.
Well, there you have it. All my vulnerabilities, frailties, and personal desires laid out in front of you. It’s quite the dating profile, huh?
