“I’m fine. Things are fine. That’s fine.”

Sound familiar?

That is the answer of someone that has at the very least phoned it in and reached the point of utter complacency or at its very worst someone who is the farthest thing from fine and inside is seething in a pool of anger and frustration.

And I catch myself saying it all the time.  But what I’m really saying is “I’m fine like the glass octopus hiding in the mid water zone.”

I’ve succeeded in becoming almost invisible. I’m nearly see through, I work hard to make it appear as though I’m not even here, I let life travel through me, past me, unimpeded so that nothing reflects back.

Tricky, huh? Being transparent is like the ultimate hiding technique, except for one tiny detail – every experience it’s had weighs heavy in its gut and casts a mile-long shadow.

I have these crazy dreams though.

Alright, check this out – every time I wake up, I have three images etched in my mind. First, it’s the Wizard of Oz. Then, you got plankton. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder, there’s a mental picture of me holding my ear that I seemingly sawed off using dental floss. Yeah, I probably should skip “go,” forget about collecting $200, and seriously consider checking myself in at some point. But maybe, just maybe, there’s a complete nutjob of a meaning hidden in there somewhere.

So, here’s my interpretation of the deal with old Oz and give an honest assessment of how I’m REALLY doing, okay? I’m “fine” as I’ve been diving into all these books lately that talk about how we’re the architects of our own lives. And you know what? I too have built a dreamy vision board with positive affirmations plastered all across the top and pictures of wonder woman, dreamy travel destinations, a slim yogi bending in impossible ways, and even a fat stack of cash hanging right above my bathroom sink. The funny thing is, I can barely read those affirmations without my glasses – and let’s be real, I barely wear ’em. So, most mornings, I just squint at that board and think, “You know what? Screw it.” And then, well, let’s just say I take care of the real business of life because hey man, ‘I’m totally unequivocally, fine!”

As I pen down these words, it hits me – that little dude behind the green curtain? That’s me, trying to be the master of my own universe. And if I’m being honest, I’m doing a pretty lousy job “making things fine.” But hey, it’s not all gloom and doom. Like our glass octopus friend, I’m floating somewhere in the middle. Haven’t sunk to the bottom of the ocean yet, but I’m no fancy diamond-clad bikini babe leisurely swimming off the shores of the Galapagos Islands either.

If dreams have real meaning, and for arguments sake we should be writing them down, interpreting them, and utilizing what we’ve learned to make changes in our lives let’s look at how old Ozzy is doing so far.

Here’s a breakdown of my life aspects on a scale of 1-10. Picture it like this: one is an absolute disaster and ten is smooth sailing into the sunset, with a unicorn under my command.

Family: I give myself a 3

The family story is a long and winding one. Let’s just say there’s room for improvement, but I’ll spill the details down the road.

Love: 7

I’m docking three points for a past divorce, but I’ve been blessed with an amazing partner for the past nine years. Things are pretty darn great, but we could work on communication and my occasional moments of selfishness.

Sex: 7

We both value a healthy and adventurous sex life. Still, there’s always room for some added excitement!

Spirituality: 3

I’m not a church-goer and have some reservations about organized religion. However, I firmly believe in a higher power and treating others with kindness. I do make time for guided meditation each morning, though!

Career/Purpose: 2

Recently quit my job and am currently soul-searching for the next move. It’s not a rock-bottom situation because I’ve always worked hard, even in jobs I despised, and achieved some success. A little credit is due!

Friends: 3

I’ll give myself a generous rating in this department, even though I know I’m not the best friend. I struggle with small talk, forget to send thank you cards, return phone calls and can be a bit relationship lazy.

Body/Health: 5

I hit the gym hard five days a week, earning myself some brownie points. Unfortunately, my weakness for pasta and bourbon works against me. I might have to embrace some cellulite if I don’t change my eating habits.

Money: 1

If I keep handling my finances the way I do, I’ll be in the workforce until my last breath.

But hey, ‘that’s fine,’ right?

And in some ways, it is.  It’s honest. So, while the list doesn’t have any unicorns flying through rainbows, and I’ve clearly got some serious work to do in each of these areas to get my scores up we’ll keep the vision board and pass on firing Oz just yet.

Speaking of strange creatures, have I been watching too much Animal Planet? It’s funny how a barely visible organism like Plankton (you almost thought I forgot didn’t you?) can drift aimlessly in a vast universe yet play a crucial role in life itself. Looking at my scorecard above, I wonder if Plankton is the symbol my mind holds onto to convince myself that even though my life may not seem like much, I’m still making a meaningful contribution to the universe.  Ahhh…isn’t symbolism grand?

And what’s the deal with flossing my ear off? Watch the master of spin turn this into a positive message: Maybe I should ignore that persistent negative inner voice that starts jabbering first thing in the morning and doesn’t stop until I hit the pillow at night. It’s draining to listen to and hard to control.

Perhaps I should also keep some reading glasses in the bathroom, so I can read those affirmations every morning and shut down that little negative nelly.

Here’s the thing – I’m not okay with just being “fine.” I want to be more than that. In a nutshell I interpret this recurring dream as being about breaking out of the middle, embracing vulnerability, and swimming towards the top to improve my scores in all aspects of life. I’m determined to stop being my own harshest critic, accepting my past failures, and forging a brighter, more luminous future. I’ll share my journey here, and if I come across any helpful tips, tricks, or tools along the way, they’ll be here for anyone who wants to give them a try.

Let’s level up together, keep dreaming big, and leave ‘fine’ in the dust!