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Nothing to talk about? Get out of the conversational rut!
This weekend, something happened. It wasn’t the first time, but this time it felt different. It felt uncomfortable, palpable, and it scared me.
My fiancé and I were sitting at a table, finishing dinner, and we had nothing to talk about. We looked at each other, smiled, took sips of water, and tried to make small talk about what happened to the waitress with our check. But it all felt…awkward.
Welcome to year eleven of our relationship. Maybe I should have been grateful that we made it this far before hitting this point, but instead, panic set in.
The past 6 months have been rough. I’ve been laser-focused on work, putting in long hours and nights as financial pressures have been mounting. We couldn’t afford a vacation this year, and nights out with friends have become infrequent due to lack of time and money. To make matters worse, it’s August, the sports lull. Basketball season is over, and football is still in pre-season, leaving us with little to talk about when it comes to sports our shared past-time and passion. It felt incredibly uncomfortable, like we were heading into dangerous territory for our relationship.
But then, I realized that we weren’t alone in our awkward silence.
The father and son at the table next to us had barely exchanged two words throughout dinner. Both were engrossed in their cell phones, finding solace and entertainment in their screens rather than engaging in an actual conversation. I’ve been in similar situations with my own kids, and while I would bug them relentlessly until they put their phones away and started talking, I felt empathy for the dad who had given up the fight and buried his head in his own electronic device.
If I had wanted to seek comfort in my phone at that moment, I couldn’t. I intentionally leave my phone at home when I’m out with my fiancé to resist the temptations. I believe in being present in life, and for me, that means cutting the electronic umbilical cord. We are living in an age where instead of experiencing life and engaging with one another, we spend way too much time with our heads down, fixated on tiny screens.
When you think about it, it’s funny how much time we spend living through other people’s lives on social media. We compare ourselves endlessly, often feeling inadequate and either shutting down or putting on a fake show. It’s all about those filtered selfies and group photos, trying to show the world how amazing our lives are even when we’re feeling anything but.
But you know what? The problem isn’t just our phones. It’s not like our ability to communicate disappears because we’ve spent too much time staring at screens. So where does this overwhelming silence come from? Are we just getting bored with each other? Is this the beginning of becoming that elderly couple that sits in complete silence during meals? Is it inevitable? Do we choose to embrace the silence or move on to something new?
That’s the situation my partner and I found ourselves in. No distractions, no devices in sight. And yet, we had nothing left to say or share. The silence was heavy, and I was terrified for our future.
I’ve learned from a 17-year relationship that ended in divorce that the honeymoon stage doesn’t last forever. Relationships can easily become stagnant if we’re not careful. Boredom can sneak up on us, even when we least expect it. Sure, setting aside a regular “date night” with your partner is a good start, but if it always ends up being dinner and a movie, it gets old real quick.
I knew it was time to put all my creativity to work and plan a special date night with my partner. I wanted to spice things up, try something new, and hopefully spark some serious magic between us. I decided to surprise him with a beginner dance class that only cost twenty bucks! It seemed like a fun way to connect physically and have a good laugh together. When I spilled the beans about my plan, he playfully rolled his eyes but agreed to give it a shot.
Let me tell you, we were hilariously terrible on that dance floor. We stumbled, stepped on each other’s toes, and laughed until our bellies hurt. Despite the awkwardness, the class was a success. However, the sales pitch at the end of the lesson got a bit annoying when they revealed the price for regular classes. It was way out of our budget, so we gracefully made our exit.
What’s next in my bag of tricks?
TABLETOPICS for Couples: Questions to Start Great Conversations! It’s a couples card game filled with thought-provoking questions that challenge and inspire, both individually and as a couple. It’s like a fun tool to ignite meaningful conversations about what makes us unique and what brings us together. And the best part? It’s only 25 bucks on AMAZON and ships for free!
Totally within budget and no Foxtrot knowledge required!
They have family versions as well. Whether it is struggling to get your kids to lift their heads out of their phones & really connect with you or finding things to spark great conversations at your next family/friend gathering this would make a great centerpiece for the dinner table.
Give it a try and let me know if it works for you!
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Drunk Texting: A Tool for Deep and Meaningful Relationship Discussions
Ah, the power of the #drunktext. Are the questions, accusations, jokes that from our fingertips fly (post several cocktails) unleashed with the simple click of the send button, really our deepest, darkest, secret musings? Is it a sound off of the true feelings we are harboring deep down inside? Should they really be hoisted up like sails, filled with extraneous winds and sent to cut through the deepest waters driving our relation “ships” into the rocky shores? Are there real truths here to be examined and extracted of something meaningful and profound? Or are they just drunk jabbering that should be ignored and not splayed out the next day for level-headed consumption?
‘Why would you say this if you didn’t mean it? Is that really how you feel? It must be, or drunk or not, you would never have unleashed in such a way? What deeper meaning does this harbor?’
I don’t know. Remind me again? What the hell did I say?
1:30:59 A.M. Girl: “Mad tipsy. Miss you. Adore you. Wish you were here. Tell me that people can get married and stay mad passionate about each other…it is possible right?’
OOOOH, tread very carefully here boys.
Admission: #loadedquestion. I’m going to help you out with the answer to this one. It’s a resounding and simple ‘yes’. Discussion over. Girl smiles and rolls into bed reassured that she is dating a guy who believes in the power of love and possibility. It’s figurative. Directed at you but in a philosophical roundabout kind of way. Not asking for you to pronounce your inner feelings about our #newrelationship. Not a big ‘uh oh’ flag pronouncing major #insecurity that needs to be fixed. Just rehashing the nights highlight (a married man with three kids is trying to sleep with your single girlfriend) hoping that you will be the buoy that says all ships don’t have to go down that way and ’yes’ to the possibility of happy and forever after. Just be the guy that lends a girl a little faith when it’s wavering a bit at 1:30 in the morning on a Saturday night/Sunday morning.
Ah, we’re a tricky species aren’t we? All #complicated and #confusing. Who can blame you for getting it wrong?
2:11:28 A.M. Boy: Don’t know cause never been married. However, kind of hammered myself and on my way home. Miss U too. Ur sexy by the way
2:17:30 A.M. Girl: LOL. Making pizza. Gonna hurt tomorrow. BTW: don’t have to have been married to have an opinion about that. But I do think you may be a little jaded and on the ‘no’ team.
2:41:58 A.M Boy: What does that mean-no team? What r u doing?
2:44:50 A.M. Girl: Home getting ready for bed. I think you know what I mean.
2:46:34 A.M. Boy: I don’t know. What r u talking about hotie?
2:48:26 A.M. Girl: I sometimes get the impression you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Am I wrong?
2:49:03 A.M. Boy: Why are you accusing me of being jaded btw?
2:49:59 A.M. Girl: Long night of girl talk…Am I that far off base?
2:54:09 A.M. Boy: I’m not sure of all the code talk. Shoe to drop, my opinion on a married topic and I don’t have experience with that? What r u asking me?
2:57:43 A.M. Girl: Nothing. No worries. You don’t need to bust out your secret decoder ring. Have fun. See you when you get back!
2:57:45 A.M, Boy: Girl talk usually never leads to anything good. What did they convince u about me? Don’t be short with me please. What is it that I’m missing here? What did those girls put in ur head?
3:01:12 A.M. Girl: Nothing really. I’m not being short. Honest. Totally fine. Made pizza and hanging out on the couch watching TV. You?
3:04:33 A.M. Boy: In bed about to fall asleep. Glad ur ok. Hope u sleep well. Talk to u tomorrow. Kisses.
THE NEXT DAY –
2:38:49 P.M. Boy: How do u feel today young lady?
2:39:49 P.M. Girl: Ouch. Just ouch. Watching silly girl love movie and eating French toast at almost 3:00 in the afternoon! What are you up to? Big football day…
2:43:11 P.M. Boy: Sounds like u and ur girlfriends went kinda strong last nite. What were you girls talking about?
2:50:13 P.M. Girl: A guy we know who is married with three kids was texting Veronica trying to get her to sleep with him. It kind of put a damper on the night. Got us all talking about relationships and whether or not we thought it was even possible to be married with kids and maintain that initial passion that you have for someone in the beginning. The group was split, some said yes, some said no. It was interesting to hear why people fell one way or the other.
8:43:23 P.M. Boy: Ha! Makes more sense now. Where did the ‘jaded’ part fall into that? Also, what about me ‘waiting for the other shoe to fall?’ Still trying to understand what that means?
8:50:12 P.M. Girl: I guess I just sense you are a little cautious and maybe one foot in and one foot out at all times. Plus, from what you’ve mentioned about past relationships, you don’t strike me as being overly confident about the virility of relationships.
9:02:51 P.M. Boy: Now what have I done to give you the impression of #onefootin and #onefootout? Are u starting to get upset with things? Just seems like this came out of nowhere. I do have a less than positive sense of marriage at times.
9:05:38 P.M. Girl: Not upset at all. It’s just an observation. Honestly, not a big deal. Promise.
9:06:25 P.M. Boy: But how does that affect u and I at this point?
…I’m not really sure?
What I do know is that this little drunk text exchange nearly ended our #relationship. Because somehow the power of the drunken text really cut deep into some core truths that up until this point in our dating experience hadn’t been openly discussed.
Her truth: As a product of #divorce HER faith in the ability of two people to be in a relationship and maintain that #initialattraction, #passion, fun, and sustained #commitment is a bit battered. To top it off, it seems living in Los Angeles, only serves as a constant reminder of the fragility of relationships. This is the land of #sexy, #selfish and #single. The conservative ideal of the house with the #whitepicketfence, two kids and a dog is laughable. Why would anyone choose that when they can drink from the plastic surgeons fountain of youth, drive expensive cars, live in an apartment, sleep with a different person every Saturday night and keep life a simple chain of I’m important job titles, expensive gym memberships, fancy bars and Hollywood would be parties? Where did happily and for ever after go? How do you even begin to date? When does a relationship become #exclusive? What does that even mean? Just that I don’t have to worry about you giving me a venereal disease… or something more? How will you tell me when it isn’t ‘exclusive’ anymore… or will you?
His truth: Life is good. Life is simple. 34, single and #neverbeenmarried. Work, hit the gym, grab a beer with the guys and maintain you’re standing in the various sports pools. Then there are the girls. They all seem to want to infringe on your space. The minute you sleep with one of them they instantly want something from you. Your undivided attention, invitations to all of your social gatherings with friends, to #meetyourparents, #movein, #getmarried not to mention the dig into your pocket book. It’s like a whirlwind of space infringement until your left with nothing, but your right ass cheek hanging off the bed and the corner of one sheet barely covering your naked torso, as you shiver in the dark and wonder “what the hell happened to your life?” It doesn’t matter the girl. It’s just a matter of time. They are all blood sucking life destroyers. If only the #sex wasn’t so damn good.
Her Truth: A #romantic at heart I still believe that there is that one perfect person that we are meant to share our lives with. I don’t want to waste my time, my youth, my energies
and passions on someone who isn’t a believer in the idea of a love story. The unshakable belief in the existence of a person that holds the power to light your insides on fire, drives you to be your best, has the ability to make you laugh and ignites your desire to give more of yourself than you ever thought possible…your compliment, confidante and safe, soft place to fall. I want a friend, an equal and a partner to #sharemylife with. I don’t want to take over your life and I don’t want you to devour mine. What I do want to know is if I’m wasting my time? Is it you?
His Truth: Don’t ask me if you can get married and maintain the passion, tell me I’ve got ‘one foot in and one foot out’ or that I’m ’#jaded’ because I know what THAT’S code for…you want more. More of me. All of me. You are like every other woman that’s ever entered my life. You make the simple complicated. You take the fun out of everything. You are like a cancer that I now see I must eradicate before it becomes malignant, takes permanent root, and kills me.
What lies underneath the late night drunken text is the push and pull of male/female #courtship. Better not to read to much into these weighted words else he may jump ship early or she may just run the boat dead into the rocks rather than sail into the abyss with no direction of where things are headed.
Do yourselves a favor and put the phone away! It’s of particular importance to avoid deep and meaningful relationship discussions when the tequila is flowing and your personal editor is sloshed and passed out.
LADIES: Relax and try to enjoy a peaceful sail minus the GPS and map.
GENTLEMEN: Remember it’s a boat…feel free to jump off for a swim every once in a while. As long as the ship is anchored you won’t get lost at sea.
